Monday 17 February 2014

I WAS A SUICIDAL CHRISTIAN

Author Nita Tarr, who has lived through kidnap, abuse, rape, murder, depression and chronic illness, tells her story in her new book “Suicidal Christians” with profound depth and insight.  Her multiple suicide attempts and what triggered them, are laid bare.  This is an excerpt from that book:


'Over the years, I have attempted suicide many times for many different reasons – most were after I became a Christian.  Unfortunately, I cannot remember all of them, but I remember some:  When I was in my early teens I took an overdose of tablets because I felt rejected, alone, misunderstood and scared.  In my late teens, I was trying to get someone’s attention.  While I was being abused I did it because I wanted the fear and torture to stop.  When I got married, crushing disappointment combined with feelings of being trapped led to another attempt.  In my thirties medication for depression, combined with booze, caused me to want to die.  Then, after childbirth and having just moved to a new country, the most insidious of all the reasons: depression set in.  Its grip was gradual and I did not at first recognise it for what it was, but it led me to the brink.
 
When I was a child, I loved comic books.  I had a mountain of them - Little Dot, Archie, Dennis the Menace, to name a few. One day I overheard my mother, a teacher, explaining to someone that she was concerned that I still wasn’t reading ‘real’ books at the age of eight but that she thought comics might help.  She was wise.  But I thought she was crazy and that I would love them forever.  But, quite gradually, something started to change.  They began to lose their appeal.  The pictures looked dull and the stories boring.  I no longer cared about what happened to Betty or Little Dot.

This is how it felt when I got depressed: suddenly, everything changed.  The things that had given me excitement and happiness before looked dull and boring now - the heaviness inside me stifled and paralysed.  Whereas before, I had been able to change gear from first to second to third, now I was in neutral.  It became difficult to motivate myself to get up in the morning and I slept at every opportunity.

At first I asked:  “Why do I feel like this?” But gradually I began to feel nothing at all.  I tried to make sense of it all by ascribing feelings to my lack of feeling, for example, if someone asked, I would say I was lonely or sad or unfulfilled.  But I wasn’t.  I was just feeling nothing.

Whatever happened I remained in neutral gear:  If something good happened…nothing; something bad…nothing.  Everything meant nothing.  Nothing on the outside changed anything on my inside.  I had nothing to give and nothing to live for.

Not being able to feel anything led to mind-numbing boredom.  I would see people laugh at jokes and wonder what was so funny.  I didn’t want to go anywhere or do anything.  I would listen to others sing songs to God and wonder why. I heard sermons that left others challenged, but I couldn’t get any meaning out of them.  There was no meaning in anything.

Colours were duller.  Music was sadder.  Everyone looked desperate and unhappy.  I found no purpose in work. I even began to avoid those I loved because they were too much effort.

I didn’t want anyone to feel uncomfortable around me and I was scared of being judged, so I pretended.  Having been trained as an actress helped.  I would smile but it hurt.  I would laugh and it would sound false to me.  I couldn’t cry.  Well, not at first…

Some of those closest to me knew though, and they tried to fix me.  I tried to fix me too:  thinking happy thoughts, not thinking too much; eating better, not eating too much; getting exercise, not being obsessed with exercise; being good to me, not focusing on me; trying to be happy, not trying so much.  I was left feeling like I had been put in a washing machine without any water – tossed and dry.

I started to feel like I was a shell with something dead inside.  Thoughts of how to kill myself would lurk in my mind – drive into the wall, jump, if I took all these tablets would they do the job?  I would catch myself thinking these things and try to reason:  “It’s not like I actually want to die.  I just didn’t want to exist any more.”  What I really wanted to do was sleep – preferably forever.

I didn’t tell others when I felt this way.  There is no way to tell someone you want to kill yourself.  There is no way to get the response you want from people.  They either: make a hasty exit, begin to cry, tell you how selfish you are or get completely freaked-out and hover over the phone ready to dial emergency services.  In all fairness, I don’t know what the right response would have been.

“Suicidal Christians!  How can this be?” you might ask.  Perhaps you think this is an oxymoron – Christians are called to have the ‘life abundant’ and failing that they should at least be ‘happy.’ They are certainly not meant to be in a place where they feel they cannot continue to live anymore!

Perhaps you feel guilty about having had these thoughts.  Maybe you doubt your salvation. Maybe you have, like me, reached a point where you see no way out.  This book is written for you.

A modicum of relief may be gained by realising that we are not alone in having suicidal thoughts.  We can read about many people in the Bible who were used and loved by God, but who were also deeply depressed to the point of wanting to die:  David speaks about his ‘downcast soul’ many times in Psalms.  Elijah wails “I have had enough, Lord…take my life.” (1 Kings 19:4)  Jonah was so distraught he said:  “Take away my life, for it is better for me to die than to live.” (Jonah 4:3)  We hear the anguish filled words that Jesus spoke before his death:  “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death.” (Psalm 72:12)

According to the World Health Organisation, more people are killing themselves today than in any previous time in our history.  More people die from their own hand than from war, natural disaster and murder combined.  About a million people across the globe die by suicide each year - that is an average of one every 40 seconds.  Some statistics report that half of all those who kill themselves are Christians.  

Since writing this book, I have been amazed at the number of Christians, some of whom I have known for a long time, who are opening up with their deepest problems.  We all need to be more ‘real’ with each other and stop perpetuating the lie that Christians are meant to be perfect…we are not…we are saved, but not perfect.  As long as desperate people think they need to wear a mask, they will be too afraid to ask for help.  If we step out bravely and share our messes with each other, then those who need to talk the most (like those who are suicidal), will come forward with their problems.  We need to shatter the taboo that Christians cannot be suicidal – they are…it is a sad, simple fact.  Let’s turn our mess into our message in the hopes that others will too.'

“Suicidal Christians” by Nita Tarr is available to purchase online at www.suicidalchristians.com or on major online bookstores.   The reviewer says: 'Each chapter contains Holy Spirit inspired advice with discerning, practical application for problems facing anyone who is struggling.   Her battle with addiction, crushing low self-esteem, demonic oppression, and overwhelming fear are intimately and candidly probed.  As well as being a valuable resource for councillors and pastors, it is an exhilarating, exciting read for all.'


39 comments:

  1. Hi! Such an amazing post. I made a blog about suicide, depression and inspirational quotes for my class. It´d be a pleasure if you can visit/check it out. Thanks! http://braveryisallyouneed.blogspot.mx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We suggest the readers conferenc seneca casino not to indulge in any parking niagara casino kind of prices.

      Delete
    2. Your blog posts really bring conviction to a task that sometimes looks prodigious.
      Regards : 4thquarterrealtygroup.org

      Delete
  2. Enthralling article! Grateful to you for sharing them! I trust you will keep having identical shows on share with everybody! I believe various individuals will be astounded to look at this article!
    Web: Best essay writing services

    ReplyDelete
  3. Awesome article dude! Many thanks, However I am having issues with your RSS. I don’t know the reason why I am unable to subscribe to it.I have five year's of academic writing assignment writing https://www.britishacademicwriters.co.uk/assignment-writing.php experience.

    ReplyDelete
  4. What I had before was horrible and happy looked sluggish and dull now. Web Developer in NYC is one of the Freelance Web Developer for more details visit us!

    ReplyDelete
  5. How a man could live after so many heart weeping incidents. If someone tries to commit suicide after so many incidents, so I don't blame him. The state has more responsibility in this. Dissertation proposal writing services

    ReplyDelete
  6. Great post, It is really very informative content.
    Thanks for the sharing
    I have Read little bit similar article on EssaysnAssignments

    ReplyDelete
  7. Greetings! Because we are here for you. Since most of the students are interested to get the assistance of capstone project website to secure their academic paper. This is because, they are tired and also enjoy the benefits of academic experts In this scenario, whenever you want professional help from academic helpers thus contact us. After the review of your academic paper, we start working on your paper and deliver the best paper that meets your academic expectations as well as helping to gain your desired grades.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Well, we all somehow suffer a lot from traumas and depression especially students. However, tackling these situations is a real solution suicide is cowardliness and can’t be justified. Like when I suffered from depression in my academic life I opted for top essay help online and took help from friends so that I can focus on other activities. And after getting some relief from academics I got into meditation and fitness stuff for a further cure. You can also get into these sorts of activities to cope up with your trauma.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Some of those closest to me knew though, and they tried to fix me. I tried to fix me too: thinking happy thoughts, not thinking too much; eating better, not eating too much; getting exercise, not being obsessed with exercise; being good to me, not focusing on me; trying to be happy, not trying so much. I was left feeling like I had been put in a washing machine without any water – tossed and dry. bridal bed sheets , double bed razai price ,

    ReplyDelete
  10. Your blogs are great.Are you also searching for nursing pico writing help? we are the best solution for you. We are best known for delivering nursing writing services to students without having to break the bank.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I love your creativity. Are you also searching for nursing admission essay? we are the best solution for you. We are best known for delivering quality essay writing services to students without having to break the bank

    ReplyDelete
  12. Your blogs are great. Are you also searching for Help with my Math assignment? we are the best solution for you. We are best known for delivering quality essay writing services to students without having to break the bank

    ReplyDelete
  13. Thank you for taking your time to put in your best in this article. This post is the most incredible article I haven't read in a very long time. I hope to read more from this blog. northwest courses and cut off mark

    ReplyDelete
  14. Fantastic and unique article. I have enjoyed reading your points and have come to the conclusion that you are right about many of them, thanks for sharing.unical post utme

    ReplyDelete
  15. The King Casino - CommunityKahabar Community
    The King Casino. 21 years in a row, The King is one of the largest and most comprehensive casino in the gioco digitale world. As the oldest 더킹카지노 casino in the world, it has bet365 a

    ReplyDelete
  16. Pretty nice post. I just stumbled upon your blog and wished to say that I have really enjoyed surfing around your blog posts. 사설토토

    ReplyDelete
  17. Thank you very much for taking your time to create this very useful and informative post. 파워볼게임

    ReplyDelete
  18. I really love your content, you are sharing very valuable info Maurice’s Survey

    ReplyDelete
  19. I just wanted to say that I love every time visiting your wonderful post! Very powerful and have true and fresh information about psychology . Thanks for the post and effort! Please keep sharing more such a blog
    Site: https://fortunejackets.com/product/yellowstone-john-dutton-quilted-jacket

    ReplyDelete
  20. I needed to thank you for this great read!! I definitely enjoyed every little bit of it. I’ve got you book-marked to look at new stuff you post? Feel free to visit my website;
    야설

    ReplyDelete
  21. Nice post. I learn something new and challenging on blogs I stumbleupon everyday. It will always be useful to read content from other authors and use something from other websites. Feel free to visit my website; 한국야동


    ReplyDelete
  22. There is certainly a lot to learn about this topic. I really like all the points you made. i enjoy to read all comments here! i really like the website you share on us .I appreciate the effort you made.Very informative idea.i want to invite you to visit my site please try it.thank you so much Feel free to visit my website; 국산야동


    ReplyDelete
  23. Good way of explaining, and pleasant post to obtain information about my presentation focus, which i am going to present in college. Feel free to visit my website; 일본야동


    ReplyDelete
  24. I want to always read your blogs. I love them. Are you also searching for philosophy of nursing? we are the best solution for you. We are best known for delivering the best

    ReplyDelete
  25. I must thank you for this excellent read! It was absolutely enjoyable throughout. I have you bookmarked to check out the new content you provide. Please feel free to browse my website:
    Fleur mystere

    ReplyDelete
  26. VenueArc is a event management SaaS – based venue booking and event management platform that provides multi-venue operations, customizable features and caters to the unique business requirements. It offers a streamlined approach that covers multiple departments in the performing arts center, creating centralized source that automates overall event management operations including venue booking, event management, contract generation, document management, reporting and analytics and event settlement.

    ReplyDelete
  27. This article gives the light in which we can observe the reality. This is very nice one and gives indepth information.
    Rip Wheeler Black Vest

    ReplyDelete
  28. Hello, I enjoyed reading this article. Thanks for sharing your long experience doing this job. Regards
    WOW! So overwhelmed reading the whole article. What an incredible simplified piece.

    If Somebody is Searching For a Pets Guidance You Can Visit Pets Guide Online For Quality Pets Guidance Online

    ReplyDelete
  29. Thanks for giving this excellent information
    8 Ball Jacket

    ReplyDelete
  30. I understand your feelings but attampt a suicide is wrong decision. Keep thinking positive. Life is so beautiful. Enjoy your life. Now its time to avail Best Moving Company In Tuscaloosa for more information.

    ReplyDelete
  31. Your blogs are really good and interesting. They began to lose their appeal. The pictures looked dull and the stories boring. I no longer cared about what happened to Betty or Little Dot. It is very great and informative Sex Crime Lawyer. I got a lots of useful information in your blog. Keeps sharing more useful blogs..

    ReplyDelete
  32. Upgrade your wardrobe with the trendy ateez break the wall bomber jacket, now available at an affordable price. This stylish jacket effortlessly combines fashion and fandom, showcasing your love for the K-pop group Ateez while staying on-trend. Made from high-quality materials, it provides both comfort and durability. The eye-catching design features the iconic Ateez logo, giving you a unique and distinctive look. Whether you're attending a concert or simply hanging out with friends, this jacket is the perfect addition to any outfit. Don't miss out on this opportunity to enhance your style with a piece that reflects your passion for music and fashion.

    ReplyDelete
  33. This book "SUICIDAL CHRISTIAN" is very interesting book. I read it very carefully. I will share this book with my friends. Now its time to avail Sign and Blind Services in Eastbourne for more information.

    ReplyDelete
  34. Your blogs are really good and interesting. It is very great and informative. I got a lots of useful information in your blog. Then, after childbirth and having just moved to a new country, the most insidious of all the reasons: depression set in. Its grip was gradual and I did not at first recognise it for what it was, but it led me to the brink bankruptcy lawyers in virginia beach. Keeps sharing more useful blogs..

    ReplyDelete
  35. "I Was a Suicidal Christian" is a poignant memoir that explores the connection between mental health struggles and faith. The author's vulnerability and honesty create a powerful connection, offering hope and understanding to others. The memoir tackles the stigmatized topic of mental health within religious contexts, fostering important conversations. It is a raw and poignant read, highlighting resilience and the healing power of sharing one's story.
    Nueva Jersey Violencia Doméstica

    ReplyDelete
  36. The pink coat worn by Beth Dutton is a fashion masterpiece! Its sleek design and eye-catching color make it a standout piece. Whether you're a Yellowstone fan or just a fashion enthusiast, this coat is a must-have to elevate your wardrobe and make a lasting impression
    Site: beth dutton pink coat

    ReplyDelete